Racket

With a shortage of viable candidates for the old you-know-what, Racket has thrown its proverbial hat into the proverbial ring, and to be fair, with a bit-of-the-old this-and-that, Racket should have a decent shot at the old what’s-its-name, if you know what we mean. So to speak.

Key Policies:

Public Spending: Spend more, while at the same time, spending significantly less on everything.

Rates: Considerable rates cuts across the board (with the exception of home and building owners).

Council Credit Cards: Racket intends to take mayoral expenditure very seriously.

A vote for Racket is a vote for whatever it takes to get you to vote for Racket.

Greg Peever has earned every cent of his modest salary since starting as a kitchen hand almost forty years ago, at the tender age of twenty seven.

As an African-American hip hop producer trapped inside the body of a white chemotherapy patient, Peever has faced more than his fair share of discrimination, but in true Canadian style, Peever has been largely oblivious to the hatred surrounding him and has created an award-winnning menu that has won rave reviews including “…an improvement on last time” and “…the sirloin wasn’t as bad as I was expecting”.

Peever’s favorite celebrity chef is Rachael Ray and his favorite recreational drug is positive thinking.

Vital Statistics:

Name: Greg Peever

Hobbies: Politeness and hygiene

Twenty-something years ago, a beautiful leprechaun school teacher and an ambitious young can of Guinness welcomed their first son into the world. They would name him James and from an early age it became apparent that the child was destined for wonderful things. However, as a result of leaving school at the age of eleven, James was grossly overqualified for any employment in Ireland and the prodigal son was forced to hand back his rosary beads and set sail for New Zealand.

On arriving in Auckland the young Goggin faced discrimination around every corner and he endured literally thousands of tasteless tin-whistle jokes before the locals accepted him as the drunk, amphetamine-craving football hooligan that his parents always hoped he would become.

Vital Statistics:

Name: James Goggin

Hobbies: Profuse sweating.

With just over 400 days remaining until kick off, New Zealand’s world cup venues are progressing well. Auckland’s party central is almost complete, and thousands of international visitors are already flocking to the refurbished shed to soak in some pre-World Cup atmosphere and a liberal dose of 1970s asbestos. Auckland Super City mayor John Banks has declared the tournament a resounding success and has congratulated the event organisers and volunteers on an extremely well-run event.

Born in Prague and raised by a pack of stray dogs, David enjoyed an idyllic Eastern European childhood frolicking among nuclear waste while playing the piano accordion and robbing drug dealers.

Like most Czech children, he was stabbed several hundred times throughout the course of his brief education and with the fall of Communism in 1990 coupled with the collapse of his local steel plant, David decided to follow his dream and went off to America in search of the real Mickey Mouse.

Unfortunately, David’s American dream was short lived and the young Czech resorted to the only country he could think of where prostitution is legal and the flick-knives are relatively blunt.

Vital Statistics:

Name: David Holan

Hobbies: Killing

Table service is a hospitality convention where food and drinks are delivered directly to a customer’s table by wait staff. Patrons who enjoy table service are typically characterised by an inflated sense of self-importance, deep-seated class anxieties and delusions of grandeur caused by years of private school education and a proliferation of Calvin Klein advertisements during pre-pubescence. Table service is the third most requested role play scenario in Auckland brothels (behind nurse/patient and Hitler-Youth summer-camp folk dancing fantasies) and is the second most popular Google search term among inner-city law firms. Despite the overwhelming popularity of table service and the increasing demand for pseudo-slavery in the hospitality sector, Racket has decided to suspend table service until further notice.

The Racket legal team would like to remind you of the importance of water-tight pre-marital contracts. While many soon-to-be-weds may baulk at the prospect of discussing such a cold-blooded financial issue so close to their big day, it is worth remembering that a marriage is more than just a romantic union, it is a major financial transaction, and whether you’re a balding former All Black lock or a balding former golf star, there is always another foul temptress around the corner to mess things up for you and your money.

Call the Racket legal team today and discuss your options.

Arguably the best club night in town. Hosted by Arash and featuring a selection of the best musical guests in the business, Revolver happens at Racket every Thursday night. Drink specials run all night long, although obviously we’d prefer you paid full price (and you would, if you actually had a shred of class), so bring a collection of your most harmless-looking friends and pay the Revolver team a visit.

Losing your chlamydia test form in a bar – we’ve all done it, but thanks to two incredible inventions, leaving highly personal STI referral sheets lying around in public places is now a thing of the past.

Invention #1: The Zipper. Invented by promiscuous young Swedish inventor Gideon Sundback in 1914, the “Hookless Fastener No. 2″ helped to ensure that even the heftiest chlamydia test would remain in the pockets of drinkers across the world.

Invention #2: The Latex Condom. After losing countless chlamydia forms in dirty Bavarian beer halls, sexually-active scientist Julius Fromm realised his embarrassment would have been spared had he not contracted chlamydia in the first place, so the itchy young German switched his phone to silent and soon developed an improved latex condom that still felt nothing like real sex, but somehow managed to keep some of the nasty bacteria at home.

Almost 100 years later, Sundback’s invention is still significantly more popular than Fromm’s, however when used in conjunction, the two items provide an almost impenetrable barrier to chlamydia-test-misplacement.

Almost.

The South Island is home to some of the most majestic creatures on earth, and now, thanks to Racket’s High Country Hunting Adventures, middle-aged men like yourself can kill a small piece of New Zealand, regardless of diabetes, high cholesterol or chronic impotency.

Trophy Hunting: Adult Himalayan Tahr range from 300 to 400 lb and 2 ½ -3 feet in height. They are herbivores, and like most vegetarians, they tend to stink. 

 They inhabit steep broken mountainous landscapes ranging from 3,000 – 8,000 ft above sea level, which is far too high for any civilised human being to climb. Fortunately, we offer helicopter hunting to terrify these murderous plant-eaters down from the mountain and straight into your gun-sights, and if you’re too incontinent to operate a firearm, we’ll fucking shoot them for you too, ensuring a majestic trophy and re-confirming your manhood to anybody who is remotely interested.

Small Game Hunting: High Country Hunting Adventures also offer an extensive range of small game hunting, including: Duck, Rabbit, Hare, Quail, Magpie, Fresh Water Trout and Lamb, hell, we’ll even let you shoot our fucking Border Collie if you ask nicely.

To book your once-in-a-lifetime hunting experience, simply call (09) 309 5854, because in the game of Man (plus firearm, plus telescopic-sight, plus GPS, plus helicopter) vs Beast, you’re never too old to over-compensate.