Racket

To Who It May Concern,

Racket management and their Ferrari dealers would like to thank the following people and organisations for a successful 2011: HR managers, event planners, private school children, Study Link, WINZ, the Rugby World Cup, the Serious Fraud Office and its backlog of case work, South American bar staff, investment bankers, family trust funds, the children who sew our tablecloths, tax lawyers, Jim Collins, the naked refugees who count our money, the armed guards who keep an eye on them, tall seventeen year olds, the Parole Board, the Business Roundtable, the inventor of fishing, the 400ml pint glass, St Patrick’s Day, the top tax bracket, creative accountants, middle New Zealand, opaque liquor bottles, babysitters and CYFS caregivers, divorced women, married men, hairdressing students, cigar smokers, hen’s parties, private functions next door, backpackers that stay in England, auditors that stay at home, irresponsible tippers, the easily seduced, EFTPOS and Swedish rounding.

Merry Christmas,

Racket.

Racket looks at the top five programmes on television in November:

1. Masterchef Australia - Competitors must use a nightmare ingredient to impress a special guest judge etc. Key demographic: the painfully lonely and people who bemoan hardcore pornography for its lack of graphic chewing and swallowing.

2. Police Ten 7 - Constable Jones apprehends a serial shoplifter and beats him senseless while giving passersby a long-winded lecture on two-parent families and corrective discipline. Target audience: Garth McVicar and the families of serial shoplifters.

3. Destroyed In Seconds - Stock footage of twenty-year-old powerboat accidents and warehouse explosions. Suitable for drunk men from small towns and men who wear dress shoes with jeans and screen-printed t-shirts.

4. Rove L.A. - The world’s shortest narcissist basks in the reflected glory of medium-level celebrities while delivering antique jokes on a large box. A cross between Crocodile Dundee, David Letterman and High School Theatre Sports. Appeals to young women in service industries and autistic men.

5. NCIS L.A. - Token black cop and obligatory white cop rescue young woman from foreign bad guys. Key demographic: Americans.

The Racket Finance Team are just old enough to remember the 1980s, so they’ve they’ve come up with a cunning plan to make money by selling some things we’d be better off without:

Luxury sedans: Racket recommends a compulsory acquisition of the nation’s luxury sedan fleet. There are roughly 25,000 late-model European sedans in New Zealand, with an average re-sale value of $15,000. Total value: $375 million (minus several million dollars for bus passes).

The Business Roundtable: A secretive lobby group for bald-to-balding men, the members of the Business Roundtable have a combined net worth of between six to eight million dollars. Racket would start with a sale of Owen Glenn (900 million), Sir Douglas Myers (800 million) and Alan Gibbs (450 million). Total value: $2.15 billion.

Josh Kronfeld: Not worth a great deal, but his rugby commentary is fucking annoying. Total value: Would swap for a large chilly bin or second-hand iphone.

Winning Ugly is the long-awaited follow-up to the 2009 best-seller; “She Never Said Anything At The Time” and the 2007 Booker Prize Runner-Up; “Just Throw Her In A Fucking Taxi and Send My Tuxedo To The Dry-Cleaners“.

Martin Johnson’s insightful first chapter deals with allegations of sexual misconduct. A glossary of useful phrases has been added, including: “as soon as the media found out, I realised that our attempts at humour were misplaced”, ”my recollection of the seven-hour bisexual orgy at the Lord Mayor’s mansion was inaccurate” and “the woman in question is an old friend of my wife, I just shouldn’t have fucked her.”

The second chapter, co-authored by Rudyard Kipling and the current English forward pack, discusses colonial expansion, the Masonic symbolism in Johnny Wilkinson’s kicking technique and advanced strategies for intimidating younger women. The chapter concludes with several graphic accounts of the author’s recent sexual conquests and an off-key rendition of God Save The Queen.

The final thirteen chapters are mostly in-jokes about money fights and bullying the homeless.

Winning Ugly retails for around three hundred dollars and copies are available from most leading golf resorts and luxury yachts.

Auckland was settled by Maori in around 1350AD, and arrogantly re-founded by Europeans in 1840. However, because the internet is mostly written by sixteen year old boys, the historical places on this list only go back a few years. For a comprehensive list of historic places in the Auckland region, please consult a library or an old person.

Bastion Point: Located on Auckland’s picturesque Eastern Bays, Bastion Point was originally heisted by the Crown for defence purposes. When it was no longer needed, the Crown offered the land to the highest bidder for high-income housing developments. A peaceful protest lasted 507 days and successfully saved the land from a future of ready-lawn and hire-purchase BMWs. Bastion Point is now recognised by the UN as the most beautiful place in the world to smoke pot and fly model aeroplanes.

Marsden Wharf: On 10 July 1985, French secret agents attached explosives to the Rainbow Warrior while it was docked at Marsden Wharf and blew it up, sinking the ship and killing a Dutch photographer who was on board. An diplomatic stand-off ensued where New Zealand demanded reparations while the French displayed questionable personal hygiene and pretended not to understand rudimentary English for the sake of convenience. Marsden Wharf is now home to used cars and shipping containers.

Aotea Square: A large public space in central Auckland that was the starting point for the Queen Street Riot on 7 December 1984. The riot was caused by a short power cut and some fairly harmless shit that Dave Dobbyn said. Rioters seriously fucked up Queen Street, causing around a million dollars in damage (about four billion dollars in today’s money).

Symonds Street Cemetery: The burial site of Governor William Hobson, co-author of the Treaty of Waitangi. Hobson was so riddled with syphilis that his signature on the Treaty looks like the handwriting of a developmentally challenged primary school child, and Hobson was said to have completely freaked out Maori chiefs with his wild hallucinations and creepy skin rash. Live cultures of syphilis bacteria are still present at Hobson’s grave, and recent tests suggest the site may also be radioactive.

Auckland is home 48 active volcanoes and 54 McDonalds restaurants. Visitor’s will enjoy natural beauty at every turn, but for the tourist that prefers an experience with a price tag, Racket recommends the following activities:

Sail the Hauraki Gulf: A large sail boat is more expensive than an imagination, but complaining about social welfare is more fun when you’re bobbing up and down. Charter yachts are available for roughly the cost of a year’s groceries.

Get a prefrontal lobotomy in Epsom: Gerrymandering is now obsolete thanks to modern science, and medical research company Fletcher Worth Hide & Banks has pioneered a discrete technique that is almost painless. Side-effects may include acute status anxiety and a proclivity for cafe meals with large amounts of avocado.

Persecute a homosexual in Mt Wellington: Visitors with spiritual leanings will enjoy a visit to Bishop Brian Tamaki’s research centre on Allright Place, where Tamaki’s team of self-trained social-scientists have conclusively proven that the gay gene is a fictional joint-venture between satan, the fashion industry and New Zealand wine producers. Open seven days. All major credit cards accepted.

Auckland has a geographical area similar to continental Europe and getting around at night can be difficult. Racket recommends taking short cuts through suburban parks and school playgrounds wherever possible. Vagrants can be pacified with foreign currency (no US dollars please), and most of Auckland’s sexual deviants are too malnourished to pick off anybody other than the infirm and disabled. Prostitution is legal in New Zealand, and thanks to recent GST increases and welfare cuts, you will find most working class New Zealanders are fairly open to the idea. Thanks to a series of Rugby World Cup upgrades, some of Auckland’s restaurants are now equipped with inside toilets, and Auckland’s bars cater to most tastes, provided you like Heineken.

Auckland Hospitality Precincts – What To Expect:

Britomart: Historic buildings and crow’s feet. People waiting for trains.

The Viaduct: Twenty-seven covers bands, one set list.

Karangahape Road: Very tall women, very curvy men.

Ponsonby: Advertising interns, hen’s parties and undiagnosed mental illness.

Kingsland: Hair-gel and fitted t-shirts. Laminated menus. Jandals.

Takapuna: Takapuna Grammar students. Takapuna Grammar old boys. People from Takapuna.

With just over three months until the 2011 General Election, the Racket political team have crunched the latest poll data to provide you with a cutting-edge election preview:

National: Polling 56%  -   Founded in 1936 on a platform of doing the exact opposite of what the Labour party does, the National Party emphasise pragmatism over ideology, which means keeping farmers, fearful Christians and tubby real estate agents happy. Racket prediction: Another three years of yellow teeth and grim colonial accents.

Labour: 29%  -  Founded in 1916, the Labour party has traditionally focussed on promoting social justice and fighting inequality, often at the expense of looking cool and winning elections. Racket prediction: A sound thrashing.

Greens: 6.4%  -   Founded in 1990 on the insane notion that traditional politics will cease to be relevant once we’ve sucked the earth of its goodness and replaced it with plastic bags and human excrement, the Green Party obtain support from environmentalists and Remuera women with luke-warm social consciences and knitting circles that would flay them alive for voting Labour. Racket prediction: A few MPs every election until the sea level rises.

Act: 2.2%  -   Founded in 1994 on the principles of classical liberalism, the ACT Party have never been wrong on paper, depending on your interpretation of the issue, and your definition of right and wrong. Traditionally supported by rich men on the middle of the autism spectrum, the ACT Party believes in individual empowerment and magic. If elected, they will remove the word ‘empathy’ from the dictionary. Racket prediction: One constituent MP and one funny old man. A woman might vote for them this year, but we doubt it.

New Zealand First: 2%  -   Founded in 1993 on the principle of Winston Peters, the party believes in pin-striped suits, old-fashioned seduction and Winston Peters. Racket prediction: A narrow loss, followed by an inexplicable period of holding-something-to-ransom.

Maori Party: 1.2%  -  Founded in 2004 to keep an eye on the beach, the Maori party have enjoyed success as a minority partner in a coalition government, while still managing to be wickedly scary. Racket prediction: Several MPs and the best election night party.

Mana: 0.2%  -   Founded in 2011 with the aim of establishing the activist’s equivalent of the Fantastic Four, the Mana Party believe in terrifying the fuck out of the country to make other left-wing parties seem less frightening. Racket prediction: One MP, six-thousand headlines.

United: 0.1%  -  Founded in 2000 by an ambitious light-grey toupee, United Future have maintained consistently high levels of volume and shine throughout their career in Parliament. Racket prediction: Three more years of salon-quality style.

Since his sudden retirement from informal street fighting in late-2009, Michael King has settled into a prestigious role as venue-manager and full-time heart-throb at Racket. The pressures of middle-management and the teachings of Eastern philosophy inspired King to embark on an extended period of (mostly) self-enforced celibacy shortly after taking the job, a decision he now deeply regrets. However, recent sightings suggest that King has fully recovered from his layoff. A Commerce Commission injunction prevents King from actually guaranteeing multiple orgasms, but sources close to King suggest that this is definitely the case. Perhaps paradoxically, King is also a firm believer in monogamy, and is currently saving himself for his twin flame; a concept that scares him and excites him in equal measures. When he’s not single-handedly running a sophisticated hospitality operation, King can be found re-planting native seedlings on erosion-prone coastlines, hand-raising abandoned bobby calves, and demonstrating tolerance towards people from a diverse range of ethno-religous backgrounds. He is also a brown belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and active listening.

 Vital Statistics:

Name: Michael King

Hobbies: Gourmet cooking, intimidating glances and self-respect.

After much deliberation, Racket Bar and New Zealand On Air are proud to announce the top five New Zealand songs of the last twelve months (videos supplied courtesy of YouTube):

5.  Six60 – Rise Up 2.0 - Dunedin students have been taking original ideas and replicating the life out of them for decades, so it’s no surprise that this song was written by five provincial-types who once flatted together on the infamously repetitive Castle Street. Six60 are ambitiously doing to wishy-washy New Zealand dub music what Linkin Park did to nu-metal in the early 2000s (compelling backstory: their old address was 660 Castle Street). In this track, Six60 seamlessly blend Casiotone drum ‘n’ bass, American accents, and thought-provoking lyrics such as “stand up for what is true” “won’t you raaaase up”. Powerful indeed.

4.  Opshop – Madness & Other Allergies - By using the classic formula of borrowing the world’s most frequently used rock cliches and then changing every second word with a thesaurus, Jason Kerrison has carved a moderately-livable niche for himself and three other guys from an IT shop in Christchurch, relying heavily on a demographic of lonely office administrators and thick-ankled teenage girls with minuscule record collections and crushes on anything vulnerable. Do they write the lyrics first or the music first?

3.  Kids of 88 – Downtown - Undeniably the biggest New Zealand dance anthem since Shoop Shoop Diddy Wop Cumma Cumma Wang Dang, Jordan Arts and Sam Somebody have cut-and-pasted a high-pitched jingle about putting on their clothes and traveling into the central city, presumably for a night of wild innuendo (compelling backstory: these guys were both born in 1988). Edgy stuff. Best enjoyed with a cocktail of weak party drugs in a room full of narcissistic high school kids with divorced parents and matching v-neck tank tops.

2.  Drew Neemia – Get Over You - McDonald’s Young Entertainer turned Plastic-Talking-Head Drew Neemia is unlucky to miss out on the top spot. Neemia has capitalised on his army of pre-pubescent homework procrastinators and released a single that is half K-Pop and half Mum-Wrote-Me-This-In-The-Car-On-The-Way-To-The-Studio. The first line alone is worthy of any Christian songwriting workshop or Smokefree Rockquest semi-final.

1.  Annabel Fay – Show Me The Right Way - A heartfelt, perceptive observation on classical existentialism and the human condition. This era-defining track combines talent-agency boyfriends, female hitchhikers and careless driving, combined with hair-flicking and giant sunglasses, and that’s just the video.

After graduating from Western Bay of Plenty Mind College with an honours degree in Bio-Telekinesis and Internet Palm Reading, McBriar became a successful consultant, providing New Zealand Police with spectacularly vague clues to cold murder cases. McBriar then turned her educated guess work to the telephone psychic industry, where her ability to imitate the symptoms of acute asthma sufferers proved popular with her late-night clientele.

However, like most clairvoyants, McBriar grew tried of living in a world without surprises and human companionship, so she abandoned her empire and found a stable job at the hospitality company that is widely acknowledged to have pioneered the ninety-day probation concept in the late-ninteen-seventies.

McBriar has saved Racket several hundred dollars in wage costs by negating the need to actually count money during the cash up process. She is also understood to be consulting to the Greek treasury and providing hot market tips to the directors of South Canterbury Finance.

Vital Statistics:

Name: Courtney McBriar

Hobbies: Online poker, CFD trading, telepathic intercourse.

After years of dealing with insecure drunks and needy sober-drivers, Racket staff have become adept at handling trivial personal problems. This week, an anonymous staff member has kindly volunteered a shoulder for your emails.

I keep waking up in strange beds, with no memory of where I’ve been, or who I am. Other days I feel semi-conscious, even dream-like, as though I died a long time ago and I’m living vicariously through a parallel version of my former self. Anyway, do you have any good tips for a long weekend getaway? (Greg, Albany)

• Hi Greg. Matakana’s nice if you’re into markets and dull walks. Otherwise I’d suggest staying home.

My teenage son has been selling my arthritis medication at school for the last six months. I want to tell him off, but, you know, that money’s just been really useful lately. What should I do? It took me seven hours to type this. (Moana, Botany)

• Has your son considered cutting the medication with a water-soluble agent such as sugar or talcum powder to increase his margins? If so, then yeah, tell him off.

Recently I’ve been getting severe hangovers. They usually start with a headache, then I experience stomach cramps, grand mal seizures, repetitive conversations about mutual friends, and extremely unpredictable bouts of violence. I suppose I could just stop drinking, but I’m painfully boring without alcohol. Can you please suggest a hangover remedy that I might try? (Alastair, Mt Eden)

• 1 litre of water, 3-4 paracetamol tablets, and a glass of milk.

King of the Table: Table Tennis Tournament

Tuesday 31 May – 6pm till midnight.

The Racket King of the Table (or Monarch of the Table in the interests of gender-neutrality) will receive a crate of DB, a large round of applause and possibly a plastic trophy.

The title of Monarch of the Table (or Head of State of the Table, in the interests of the acceptance of alternative systems of government), will be awarded to the last player standing at the stroke of midnight. Each match will consist of a single set, based on the 11-point scoring system, introduced by the ITTF in 2001 (thanks Wikipedia).

Competition begins at 6pm. A free DB quart bottle will be generously awarded the first dozen players on the night (half price quarts will also be available until midnight).

The tournament is open to all unpublished amateur table tennis players, recreational drinkers, social smokers, current Racket staff, disgruntled former employees and members of the general public (professional and representative table tennis players will be locked in a small cupboard for the duration of the tournament).

An official message from the new Racket manager:

I recently asked my shoe-shine boy to explain the Treaty of Waitangi. Unfortunately I couldn’t understand his accent and I’m fairly sure he tried to pick my pockets during his explanation of Article 2, but anyway the general vibe seemed to confirm my belief in rich white men drafting ambiguous legal documents and I remember my fifth form history teacher saying something about equality so we’ll go with that.

The question we need to ask ourselves is; “how does the Treaty of Waitangi affect us in Racket Bar?” and the answer is, it doesn’t, not anymore. On that basis, nothing will change, with the exception that the bar will become slightly more popular with middle-to-high income males, business owners, the national front, the criminally insane and the residents of Epsom.

I also offer my assurance that the previous Racket manager will be housed in a humane environment and treated in accordance with the Geneva Convention.

Kind regards,

Racket Management

Being a man trapped in the body of a woman that looks like a man isn’t easy.

Biologically-speaking, Knight is a woman, however psychologically-speaking Knight regards herself as a man, which, to the casual observer, she is. After years of never being taunted for not resembling the person she feels she is inside, Knight is finally contemplating decisive action, however the greatest risk of a gender reassignment is that Knight will actually look less like a man after the procedure, a risk that Knight is currently far too confused to take.

You can help Sammy Knight make her decision by donating at the bar. Proceeds will enable Knight to take some much needed leave to consider her options. A second collection will be held should Knight decide to go ahead with the procedure. Please consult your local ethics committee before making your donation (please note: there is definitely no mention of this in the bible).

Vital Statistics:

Name: Sammy Knight

Hobbies: Short-haircuts, muscle cars and Julia Roberts films.

After several weeks of consultation, Racket management have agreed on the following changes to operating procedure for the duration of the 2011 Rugby World Cup.

Entry to the venue will be determined on the basis of country of origin, with patrons accepted according to the value of their native currency in relation to the New Zealand dollar. A dramatic increase in the cost of tap beer, whisky and handjobs will be accompanied by a larger cut of freelance solicitation fees, which will be passed on to the consumer. Our “No Welshmen” policy will remain in effect, while table service will be available for a strictly limited time on the traditional $40/$60/$80 price scale, with extras to be negotiated on a case-by-case basis. Finally, in accordance with the damage inflicted by Dave Currie at the 2006 Commonwealth Games, impromptu haka will be strictly limited to one performance per night.

To make a submission on these changes, please write your bank account details and security information on the back of a twenty dollar note and drop it in the suggestion box at the bar.

Like most Racket bar staff, Saporetti has a checkered past consisting of petty theft and brief periods of incarceration. However, unlike rest of the polygamists that pour your drinks and constantly handle your food, Saporetti is on a quest for true love.

Many have tried to seduce Saporetti, but no amount of sequined g-strings, buttock implants and well-pumped footballs can tempt a man who was born during a threesome on a Carnival float in the half time break of a one-sided World Cup qualifier.

Saporetti has pledged to dedicate his life to one special woman, man, or deceptive combination of the two who shares his commitment for deep monogamous love, whoever they may be. Anybody looking for a casual night of uninhibited sexual-exploration and heavily blurred gender roles is clearly barking up the wrong Brazilian, we suggest you ask the one in the kitchen (see previous staff profiles).

(No stereotypes were harmed in the making of this profile).

Vital Statistics:

Name: Apoena Saporetti

Hobbies: Attacking football, celibacy and self-denial

“Bro, [inhales] who was that guy you just served?”

“[Inhales] He’s one of the owners [exhales]”

“[Inhales] What’s up with his jacket? [inhales, coughs] It’s freaking me out”

“[Inhales] It’s made (exhales), it’s made from a mixture of human hair and labrador fur. They’re not cheap”

“[Inhales] Is he rich or something? [exhales, coughs, spits] Is that why he’s [coughs], is that why he’s trying to set fire to those coins in the ashtray? [coughs, twice]”

“[Coughs, spits, inhales, coughs into handkerchief, looks at phlegm, coughs again, inhales, exhales, coughs] Yeah man, they’ve cut so many corners they can afford to do whatever they want [inhales, exhales, exhales again, coughs]. I once saw him online-shopping from two computers at once [coughs]. He’s that rich [coughs, inhales, coughs, exhales, momentarily passes out, coughs, regains consciousness, checks cigarettes, exhales]. He doesn’t even hide his PIN at the cash machine and I’ve seen him buying brand name milk at Foodtown [coughs]. He’s that rich man [inhales], he’s that fucking rich.”

“[Inhales, coughs, exhales]“

Found on the floor of the Racket offices, this document suggests that the key to running a successful hospitality enterprise is lateral thinking and an endless stream of irresponsible finance.

To invest in Racket Bar, please send a handful of coins to PO Box 105 457, Auckland.

42 Below have kindly donated a large amount of Vodka in aid of the Christchurch Earthquake and Racket is turning the vodka into cocktails. Come down get a cocktail in exchange for a ten dollar donation. All proceeds will be given to the Red Cross Christchurch Earthquake Relief Fund.

You can also make a direct donation to the Red Cross Appeal by phoning 0900 33 200. 100%of the proceeds will be donated to the cause.

In an increasingly competitive Free Store market, consumers are now spoiled for choice, however it still pays to shop around.

At the Racket Free Store, we cater for the vain and the status anxious by stocking only leading brands with attractive logos and expensive television ads. You could pay absolutely nothing for unsightly No Frills milk at your local Free Store, or for a few extra dollars and a bus trip into town, you could buy a better-looking Fonterra product from us, containing exactly the same milk, but with the added benefits of marketing, monopoly-pricing and share-holder confidence. Your children might not care about the bland labels in your fridge, but your children’s friend’s parents certainly do.

The Racket Free store is open from Monday to Saturday 4pm – 4am. All major credit cards accepted.

Long-hailed by Christians as irrefutable proof of creationism, Vicent James’ dashing good-looks have been a source of serious consternation for the scientific community. Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens both agree that James’ phenomenal bone structure and velvet skin are consistent with biblical prophecy and even Charles Darwin was forced to concede that James could not possibly have evolved from apes.

New Zealand Search & Rescue estimate the annual cost of rescuing women who have become lost in James’ eyes to be in the vicinity of half-a-million dollars, while Police Commissioner Howard Broad has described James as “a significant distraction to female drivers” and compares his impact on the road toll to the effects of alcohol, speeding and cellphone use, times four.

The Auckland Council has voted unanimously to relocate Vincent James to Wellington, where he will be contained in a high-security holding cell and rented to lonely Parliamentarians. In the meantime, you can find him working in Racket, or read about him here.

Vital Statistics:

Name: Vincent James

Hobbies: Making love, listening & listening while making love.

Several days ago, Racket heard the Government talking about selling some of its stuff to other people. Like most of its farming friends, Racket doesn’t understand why this is a good idea, but is tremendously fucking excited by the prospect, and like most of its rich friends, Racket is always prepared to trust even richer people with sensible haircuts and hard-ons for middle-aged models.

In accordance with the Government’s wishes, Racket has decided to test the market for itself and offer a 49% share in the following assets:

• The Racket Cash Registers (these assets are currently over-capitalised and yielding minimal returns. Racket sees little benefit in the full retention of such a liability).
• The Racket Staff (they may benefit from private ownership, but frankly, they’re just a pain in the arse to control).
• The Racket Bank Account (Racket will receive a 49% profit in the sale of 49% of its profits, which is an incredibly shrewd deal no matter which way you look at it, assuming that you look at it like that).

To register your interest, please contact Racket’s receivers or speak to somebody from the Securities Commission.

Adam Neal began life as a purely two-dimensional construct of Irvine Welsh’s imagination. However, after being controversially cut from the final draft of Trainspotting and receiving little mention in Welsh’s subsequent work, Neal reluctantly joined the world of non-fiction, becoming an almost first-rate bartender and junior manager.

Life as a three-dimensional being hasn’t always been easy for Neal and despite several years of intensive speech therapy, his spoken-English still sounds like a cross between Sir Alex Fergusson and a large garden mulcher. However, the young Scot has managed to survive in New Zealand thanks to a combination of lip-reading and sporadic violence and Neal has also maintained a keen interest in traditional Scottish pastimes, such as heavy drinking and widespread unemployment.

Vital Statistics:

Name: Adam Neal

Hobbies: Caber-tossing & self-loathing

Racket was recently named by Metro magazine as one of the top 3 nightclubs in the world and one of the top 3 pick-up bars in Roukai Lane.

Unfortunately, none of the owners were prepared to go on the record, however their comments ranged from ”we’re not charging enough for napkins” to ”shut up and help me dilute this gin“. Industry insiders were typically vague and non-commital, describing Racket as “a completely over-hyped fire-risk” and “a fucking waste of time“, while members of the public we’re too busy collecting trinkets and worshiping false idols to comprehend the significance of such an important popularity contest.

For a degree of proof, please borrow the above magazine from your local cafe or public library.

Bryson grew up in the relatively comfortable streets of somewhere-in-England and did a bunch of typical childhood things. Bryson then began a period of nothing-in-particular, followed closely by puberty and it was during this phase that Bryson indulged in typical teenage activities on the same relatively comfortable streets (only a little later at night and with a little more spending money).

With a wealth of life-experience to draw from, Bryson formed the influential 90s pop band “Football” and was responsible for several top-20 hits in the East-Midlands, including: “Ooohh, It Looks A Bit Overcast”, “Gosh, It’s Cloudy” and the club-anthem, “Take Me Higher Than This Persistent Layer Of Nimbostratus”.

Sadly, Bryson’s ongoing tax problems and a severe lack of vitamin D forced him out of England and into the relative obscurity of downtown Auckland, where he now works as assistant venue manager and part-time Racket cardigan model.

Vital Statistics

Name: Owen Bryson

Hobbies: Sunscreen & wool

Every New Year’s Eve, Racket makes a series of lofty resolutions, fucks them up within 72 hours and then vows never to waste valuable time with good intentions ever again. Whatever potential benefit there may have been in visiting dying relatives in hospital (2009) and throwing fewer objects at the homeless (2010) is far outweighed by the fact that these things will never actually happen, at least not on purpose. With that in mind, Racket has made five resolutions for 2011 that ought to be far more attainable, albeit at the expense of any real benefit to anybody else.

1. Continue to discriminate on the basis of looks at every available opportunity (keep this in mind the next time you come looking for table service, clean glassware or an honest GST receipt).

2. Consistently gain small amounts of weight over a long period of time (consistency is indeed a virtue and is also they key to almost any form of weight gain).

3. Maintain regular contact with slightly vulnerable women and well-connected men (keeping all messages brief, informative and loaded with innuendo).

4. Keep political affiliations vague and secretive (Che Guevara stood up for his beliefs, but it didn’t get him anywhere in business).

5. Continue to discriminate on the basis of looks at every available opportunity.

As you celebrate with friends and family beside your rooftop pool this christmas, spare a thought for those less fortunate. The Hotchin family of Auckland recently had their assets frozen by the Securities Commission and are being forced to survive below the breadline. However, in the face of such economic adversity, all the Hotchins ask for is an allowance that covers their basic family necessities; a modest $7,000 per week. For those of you who have forgotten how tough it is to make ends meet on an honest working wage, here is what $7,000 will buy the average family this christmas:

Christmas Presents (5 children, 1 wife, 1 husband)

• Collection of ill-fitting yellow t-shirts designed for 12-year-old boys: $200
• Christmas books (Investing for Dummies, Media Evasion for Dummies, Prison for Dummies, Group-Shower Etiquette for Dummies and The Securities Act 1978): $360
• Personal Trainer (2 sessions): $430
• BOTOX injections and facial treatment: $500
• Hair plugs and colour: $600
• Deluxe Eric Watson disguise kit (bimbo not included): $950
• Gucci Hysteria Shoulder Bag: $960
• Total $4,000.00

Leaving a meagre $3,000 for Christmas basics such as Dom Perignon, cocaine, limousines, theme park tickets, international travel and of course, a christmas ham.

A collection box will be placed in the bar. Please donate generously (disclaimer: Racket’s donation box has B- investment rating and a personal guarantee will be required before donations will be accepted).

Like most men, Racket is a purely one-dimensional stereotype. There’s nothing Man-Racket likes more than feasting on a large animal, especially if it’s barely cooked and endangered, and if we get to sexually abuse it afterwards, well that’s a real bonus, a man-bonus you might say.

Man-Racket will also assert its masculinity at every possible opportunity, so if eating man-branded yogurt tells the world “my penis has been constantly erect since I left high school” or if drinking man-branded ‘frontier beer’ screams “I could fry a steak if I wanted, but I’m too busy beating-up defenseless gays and art school graduates” then that’s exactly what Man-Racket is going to do.

When Man-Racket isn’t rebuilding a truck engine or deliberately cultivating a pot-belly and a sparse layer of chest hair, Man-Racket is frantically destroying all evidence of faux-hawks, ear-piercings, buddhist tattoos and solarium tans from the Man-Racket photo albums circa 2002-2009.

Summary: If you’ve got a Friends With Benefits card or a Neighbours With Benefits card, come down to the Stoneleigh Pop-Up Bar on Takutai Lawn (around the corner from Racket) and help your self to free drinks, cheap drinks, gourmet BBQ food etc etc. If you don’t have a card, you can sign up on the day, or sign up in advance by emailing your name to friends@racketbar.co.nz.

Date: Sunday 19 December (1pm). Venue: Stoneleigh Pop-Up Bar, Takutai Lawn, Britomart

We should add something about this being the Christmas event of the year, or the celebrity event of the decade, but that’s self evident.

“…alright, but you can’t tell me I’m not attractive”

“It’s not happening”

“What isn’t? Oh go on?”

“I’m not losing my job for sticking my face down your pants”

“I never said you had to do it with your face…”

“Look, Im making my last Chrisco payment on Wednesday, I can’t afford to risk it”

“But what if I gave you the money?”

“No Marcus”

“Go on?

“No. Not if you were the last fund manager on earth. Not even if you were the charismatic founder of a controversial free-speech website responsible for the publication of thousands of classified documents” [Note: intelligent current events reference]

“This is blackmail”

“No it’s not”

“Alright then, it’s sexual harassment”

Born and raised in West Baltimore, Desouza spent thirteen years selling large white t-shirts to juvenile drug dealers, while also moonlighting as a police informant and scrap metal collector. However, a protracted beef with a local drug addict destroyed Desouza’s profitability and he was forced to flea to New Zealand, where he found employment at Racket bar.

Desouza’s current responsibilities include negotiating with small-time computer retailers, installing quasi-legal hardware and software, completing menial office tasks and holding a large nail gun while supervising the security team.

Desouza is also a committed family man, spending large periods of time in the company of his many female cousins.

Vital statistics

Name: Dean Desouza

Hobbies: Hustling & menial labour

Recent entries from the Racket suggestion box.

“You guys need to do something about your fucking beer prices. It’s cheaper to buy a whole box of piss at the supermarket and if I could feel up chicks at Countdown I’d never fucking come back here again.”

“Please fix the soap dispenser in the women’s toilets and please tell the little guy behind the bar to stop calling me darling, it’s very patronising.”

“I recently left a highly personal blood test referral sheet in your bar and was dismayed when I saw it posted on your website. I would like to speak with management about this matter or I will contact Fair Go and sue you in the District Court. Please ring me urgently on 0274330875.”

Due to a dramatic lack of space for patrons and staff, Racket management will be introducing a $20 door charge for all patrons weighing over 120kg. The Human Rights Commission has repeatedly emphasised the need to provide individuals with freedom of movement and the new door charge initiative is Racket’s response to this serious problem.

The door charge will operate on Friday and Saturday nights, commencing Friday 12 November. Other space saving measures will include; the confiscation of handbags and large wallets, the removal of bulky coats and expensive jackets and the forced ejection of patrons who do not fit the pre-approved cash-to-body-weight ratio.

Regards,

Racket Management.

Your local gypsy community needs you. Come down to Britomart lawn (just around the corner from Racket), make a gold coin donation and enjoy a sausage from our resident overstayer. All proceeds will be donated directly to illegal aliens.

The Charity Sizzle begins at 10am on Thursday 4 November. Please give generously.

As the first Brazilian sous-chef to receive both a Michelin star and a home detention bracelet, Frederico was an obvious addition to the Racket kitchen.

His culinary speciality is the curly fry; a special blend of geometry and reconstituted potato shavings that has made Frederico the chef du jour in central Auckland, and has almost completely overshadowed his dubious courtship techniques and obvious danger to cannabis plants.

Frederico is currently assisting New Zealand Immigration with a number of enquires and is actively seeking an open-mined New Zealand citizen who will consider marriage and condom swallowing. Interested persons should contact the Racket kitchen directly or wander around Fort Street from 2am most weeknights.

Vital Statistics:

Name: Frederico Alves Tavares

Hobbies: Gin, tonic and heavy petting.

Like most kiwi boys, Michael King dreamed of one day becoming middle management in a small to medium-sized business, and like the forecourt supervisors and regional account managers that he worshipped as a child, Michael climbed the promotional step-ladder one demeaning rung at a time, eventually rising to venue manager at Racket.

Despite managing an unprofitable front for a methamphetamine warehouse, Michael strives to maintain an adequate level of professionalism at all times, while concealing an alarming range of sexual issues behind a vacant-looking exterior.

Vital Statistics

Name: Michael King

Hobbies: Plutonic dating

Before entering Parliament at the 2008 election, David Garrett was a barrister practising in Albany, Auckland, as well as in Tonga where he lived from 1999 to 2003. Garrett now lives on a lifestyle block near Helensville with his wife and two young children.

Garrett was a legal advisor to the Sensible Sentencing Trust, and writes occasional opinion pieces on legal issues for a number of publications. He is also frequently called upon to comment in the media on law and order issues and helped to write ACT’s ‘Three Strikes And You’re Out’ policy.

On occasions, Garrett is also a newborn baby, with a spotless criminal record and a passionate love for international travel.

Q: What is Revolver?

A: Much like the Masonic Lodge, the Rotary Club or the R.S.A, Revolver is a poorly-conceived excuse for secret mid-week drinking.

Q: Why should I bother coming?

A: Because unlike the aforementioned groups, Revolver features some of the best bands and DJs you’ll ever hear on a Thursday night, and Revolver offers drink specials all night long (including $5 Jamesons & Dry, $10 cocktail jugs and two-for-one Mumm Champagne).

Q: When does this Revolver thing happen?

A: Every Thursday at Racket, 6-10 Roukai Lane, Britomart.

Q: Why did you put such a terrible post on your website? Did you intend for this to sound like a 91ZM radio ad? Is English your second language? Or can you not afford to pay somebody to write you a half-decent website post?

A: Free entry all night long, 4pm to 4am.

Q: You’re not even listening.

A: That’s not a question. That’s a statement.

[Disclaimer: This message is not representative of the advertising industry as a whole].

With a shortage of viable candidates for the old you-know-what, Racket has thrown its proverbial hat into the proverbial ring, and to be fair, with a bit-of-the-old this-and-that, Racket should have a decent shot at the old what’s-its-name, if you know what we mean. So to speak.

Key Policies:

Public Spending: Spend more, while at the same time, spending significantly less on everything.

Rates: Considerable rates cuts across the board (with the exception of home and building owners).

Council Credit Cards: Racket intends to take mayoral expenditure very seriously.

A vote for Racket is a vote for whatever it takes to get you to vote for Racket.

Greg Peever has earned every cent of his modest salary since starting as a kitchen hand almost forty years ago, at the tender age of twenty seven.

As an African-American hip hop producer trapped inside the body of a white chemotherapy patient, Peever has faced more than his fair share of discrimination, but in true Canadian style, Peever has been largely oblivious to the hatred surrounding him and has created an award-winnning menu that has won rave reviews including “…an improvement on last time” and “…the sirloin wasn’t as bad as I was expecting”.

Peever’s favorite celebrity chef is Rachael Ray and his favorite recreational drug is positive thinking.

Vital Statistics:

Name: Greg Peever

Hobbies: Politeness and hygiene

Twenty-something years ago, a beautiful leprechaun school teacher and an ambitious young can of Guinness welcomed their first son into the world. They would name him James and from an early age it became apparent that the child was destined for wonderful things. However, as a result of leaving school at the age of eleven, James was grossly overqualified for any employment in Ireland and the prodigal son was forced to hand back his rosary beads and set sail for New Zealand.

On arriving in Auckland the young Goggin faced discrimination around every corner and he endured literally thousands of tasteless tin-whistle jokes before the locals accepted him as the drunk, amphetamine-craving football hooligan that his parents always hoped he would become.

Vital Statistics:

Name: James Goggin

Hobbies: Profuse sweating.

With just over 400 days remaining until kick off, New Zealand’s world cup venues are progressing well. Auckland’s party central is almost complete, and thousands of international visitors are already flocking to the refurbished shed to soak in some pre-World Cup atmosphere and a liberal dose of 1970s asbestos. Auckland Super City mayor John Banks has declared the tournament a resounding success and has congratulated the event organisers and volunteers on an extremely well-run event.

Born in Prague and raised by a pack of stray dogs, David enjoyed an idyllic Eastern European childhood frolicking among nuclear waste while playing the piano accordion and robbing drug dealers.

Like most Czech children, he was stabbed several hundred times throughout the course of his brief education and with the fall of Communism in 1990 coupled with the collapse of his local steel plant, David decided to follow his dream and went off to America in search of the real Mickey Mouse.

Unfortunately, David’s American dream was short lived and the young Czech resorted to the only country he could think of where prostitution is legal and the flick-knives are relatively blunt.

Vital Statistics:

Name: David Holan

Hobbies: Killing

Table service is a hospitality convention where food and drinks are delivered directly to a customer’s table by wait staff. Patrons who enjoy table service are typically characterised by an inflated sense of self-importance, deep-seated class anxieties and delusions of grandeur caused by years of private school education and a proliferation of Calvin Klein advertisements during pre-pubescence. Table service is the third most requested role play scenario in Auckland brothels (behind nurse/patient and Hitler-Youth summer-camp folk dancing fantasies) and is the second most popular Google search term among inner-city law firms. Despite the overwhelming popularity of table service and the increasing demand for pseudo-slavery in the hospitality sector, Racket has decided to suspend table service until further notice.

The Racket legal team would like to remind you of the importance of water-tight pre-marital contracts. While many soon-to-be-weds may baulk at the prospect of discussing such a cold-blooded financial issue so close to their big day, it is worth remembering that a marriage is more than just a romantic union, it is a major financial transaction, and whether you’re a balding former All Black lock or a balding former golf star, there is always another foul temptress around the corner to mess things up for you and your money.

Call the Racket legal team today and discuss your options.

Arguably the best club night in town. Hosted by Arash and featuring a selection of the best musical guests in the business, Revolver happens at Racket every Thursday night. Drink specials run all night long, although obviously we’d prefer you paid full price (and you would, if you actually had a shred of class), so bring a collection of your most harmless-looking friends and pay the Revolver team a visit.

Losing your chlamydia test form in a bar – we’ve all done it, but thanks to two incredible inventions, leaving highly personal STI referral sheets lying around in public places is now a thing of the past.

Invention #1: The Zipper. Invented by promiscuous young Swedish inventor Gideon Sundback in 1914, the “Hookless Fastener No. 2″ helped to ensure that even the heftiest chlamydia test would remain in the pockets of drinkers across the world.

Invention #2: The Latex Condom. After losing countless chlamydia forms in dirty Bavarian beer halls, sexually-active scientist Julius Fromm realised his embarrassment would have been spared had he not contracted chlamydia in the first place, so the itchy young German switched his phone to silent and soon developed an improved latex condom that still felt nothing like real sex, but somehow managed to keep some of the nasty bacteria at home.

Almost 100 years later, Sundback’s invention is still significantly more popular than Fromm’s, however when used in conjunction, the two items provide an almost impenetrable barrier to chlamydia-test-misplacement.

Almost.

The South Island is home to some of the most majestic creatures on earth, and now, thanks to Racket’s High Country Hunting Adventures, middle-aged men like yourself can kill a small piece of New Zealand, regardless of diabetes, high cholesterol or chronic impotency.

Trophy Hunting: Adult Himalayan Tahr range from 300 to 400 lb and 2 ½ -3 feet in height. They are herbivores, and like most vegetarians, they tend to stink. 

 They inhabit steep broken mountainous landscapes ranging from 3,000 – 8,000 ft above sea level, which is far too high for any civilised human being to climb. Fortunately, we offer helicopter hunting to terrify these murderous plant-eaters down from the mountain and straight into your gun-sights, and if you’re too incontinent to operate a firearm, we’ll fucking shoot them for you too, ensuring a majestic trophy and re-confirming your manhood to anybody who is remotely interested.

Small Game Hunting: High Country Hunting Adventures also offer an extensive range of small game hunting, including: Duck, Rabbit, Hare, Quail, Magpie, Fresh Water Trout and Lamb, hell, we’ll even let you shoot our fucking Border Collie if you ask nicely.

To book your once-in-a-lifetime hunting experience, simply call (09) 309 5854, because in the game of Man (plus firearm, plus telescopic-sight, plus GPS, plus helicopter) vs Beast, you’re never too old to over-compensate.

“Is that a macchiato?”

“[slurp] hmmm, ahhhhh, oh the RELIEF!, oh yeah, god that’s a good cup of coffee, oh yeah, you were saying?”

“Yeah, I was just wondering if that was a macchiato?”

“[slurp] OHHHH, oh my god! OH MY GOD! This is one seriously delicious beverage, you know, [slurp], ahhhhh, you know with all the stress in my life and my incredibly high-level of sophistcation, [slurp], ahhhhh oh yeah, I need [slurp], ahhh, I need [slurp] ahhhh, I just need a really good cup of coffee every now and then, [slurp] ahhhh god, OH MY GOD! Wooo! You know, with my cultured-bohemian-chic and corporate cross-over lifestyle it’s really the perfect way to transition from [slurp] ahhh! to transition from trying on outfits in the morning… [slurp] mmmmm! [slurp] OH YEAH! from trying on outfits in the morning… [slurp] ahhhh! to trying on outfits in the afternoon [slurp] AHHHHH!”

“…ah, is that an empty cup?”

“[slurp] OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!  this is a truly, great, coffee, GREAT COFFEE!”

“But that’s an empty cup”

“[slurp], yes I finished fifteen minutes ago”

“And you’ve wet your pants”

“[slurp] mmmmmm. Seriously. Good. Coffee.”